If you’re going through a breakup right now, you probably feel tired, exhausted from within, badly hurting and let me guess, there’s also a tissue box somewhere close by. It’s okay. Breakups get the best of us and sometimes, it’s just really, really hard. Let me show you how to not only start, but successfully maintain no-c
But I’ve got you sis. Let’s talk about no contact- one of the most recommended ways to heal from a breakup. And if you ask me, you shouldn’t be skipping this step.
Now, I know- easier said than done. But trust me when I say this- no contact is the hardest and most painful because it is the most effective.
What happens if I keep in touch with my ex?
“We’re just friends”
If you truly want to heal from a breakup, there’s a healing process you’re supposed to be going through. Keeping in touch with your ex is not only messing with your emotions, but also hampering the healing process you deserve.
Giving your ex a spot in your everyday life strengthens your emotional bond with them. Which, as you know, makes it harder to move on.
You’re depriving yourself of that me time after a breakup. It’s a time where so much can happen. Provided, you focus and invest more into yourself than checking to see if your ex has texted.
Basically sis, if you want to stop thinking about him, move on and get your stuff back together, then stop trying to be in contact with him.
How to begin no contact:
If you ended things ended on a kinder note, tell him that you need some time to process everything that’s happened. And for many other reasons won’t be in contact with him. If he is kind enough, he will understand and won’t force you into being friends. This ensures clarity on both sides and it’s a nice way to stand up for yourself and peacefully cut this person out.
If your ex doesn’t seem to care, and in fact, is better off without you, then you don’t even have to tell them how you’re not going to be sending cat memes to him anymore. Chances are, he is not going to care what you do. Don’t feel the need to tell him everything. Just quietly walk away.
Another really important step would be:
Take them off your social media.
Seeing happy photos when you’re hurting has not proven to be very useful. And what could be worse than seeing your ex going out to a football game with the boys, looking so happy. It’s clearly going to spoil the rest of your day.
Unfriending them on Facebook and if not blocking, muting them can be very helpful since you don’t want to ruminate on whatever they’re doing. (You want to ruminate on your own life) this will also help you from replying to them ‘casually’.
Once you’ve stopped seeing the guy in person and on socials, it gets really difficult.
And this is the best part.
It’s going to be hard not texting them like you used to so often before. Your mind, which is wired to receiving messages from them, will feel uncomfortable and restless. You might find yourself tempted to go search him on Facebook or type a message. Or maybe just see whose pictures he’s liking and commenting on.
My advice at this moment: sit through the temptation. Do anything but give in to the temptation.
Here are a few practical steps you can take:
Keep your phone away
Put your phone as far away from you as much as you can. So you won’t be urged to pick it up and look at his stuff
Prepare a positive reflex:
One of my beautiful clients has this practice: whenever she feels the need to text her ex, she goes and does something productive to check her to-do list. Do something that occupies your mind, brings a distraction, gives you a positive end result and makes you feel better.
Remember: the temptation isn’t going to last forever. It comes in waves. It will last for short time spans. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 30 minutes. If you sit through that period and don’t take any action, you’re probably not going to feel so tempted again that day.
If you do, then you need to remind yourself of who you broke up with, why they weren’t a good fit. You broke up for a reason, right? Remember that reason.
Your ex is going to seem more appealing than he actually is. It’s your brain’s way of manipulation because of how attached you are to him. But don’t give in to that.
Once the emotional attachment is over, you’re probably not going to even feel attracted to him anymore.
Reverse the romanticism
Think of the bad things he did. Or all the times he didn’t treat you right.
It works like magic when you actually see that the person wasn’t even all that good. And while you’re hurting so much, it’s better than being with someone who can’t cherish you. Why would you want to push yourself on someone who doesn’t see you in their future?
Start self care:
You can watch this video to get started:
“But, he’s the one contacting me”
1. Make it clear that you don’t want to talk yet. You’re not ready
2. Ghost him. You don’t need to react or respond to everything he does. Normalize that for yourself.
“We don’t text, but he sends me memes”
Sis, remove him off your social media. You are likely to post your updates online, just in the hope that he might reply or comment, or low key remind him of what he’s lost. But the amount of energy you’re putting in trying to look nice on a social platform, you’re losing on giving to yourself.
What happens when you’re done uploading that story? I know. You’re still just as miserable, but now it’s worse.
Because you’re going to hope that he will text you or comment. If he doesn’t, you’ll be upset.
You’ll also be upset if you were expecting something like, “Hey baby, I’m so sorry I haven’t texted you. I miss you. Please let’s make this work. I feel terrible without you. I think I love you”
And what he wrote was….
You’re investing so much energy trying to get this person’s attention- but is he worth all of it? Stop reading and ask yourself that question now.You're investing so much energy trying to get this person's attention- but is he worth all of it? Click To Tweet
Is he someone I truly want to be with in the long term? Or am I simply emotionally attached to him?
Does he truly fulfill your needs and desires in the relationship or was this a compromise?
Do you really want to settle for a guy who doesn’t put himself into the relationship and invest himself in it?
If you know that he’s not the right person, stop texting him. It’s hard, but this step is necessary.
“He was not bad, and I think I want him back”
Even if he was awesome- you don’t want to strain the relationship with him or chase him.
Find that spot of bliss where you don't "have" to be with someone to feel loved. Click To Tweet
Sure you two made a great fit, but if you broke up, you broke up for a reason- something went wrong or you didn’t fell like a right fit right from the beginning. It is okay to not have figured out what went wrong. But, give your partner some space. Let the relationship breathe a little bit. Sometimes you have to step away from something huge to actually notice how tall and magnificent it is. If you’re too close, you can only see a nominal wall.
If he wants to, and he is meant to be with you, he will come back. Chasing him isn’t going to make things happen any faster. Your partner and you probably need to step back for a hot minute, see what is happening and work on yourselves.
We as women tend to get so hooked up to giving in the relationship. We are always pouring ourselves into romantic relationships, loving the other person deeply and putting them first.
Your breakup phase is a good time to look at the inner you. Try making yourself happy again and find that spot of bliss where you don’t “have” to be with someone to feel loved.
Women who are always giving and don’t know how to care for they go on and become stressed and burnt out mothers. Learn to love and accept yourself early on and a breakup truly lays the foundation to do that.
Sure, your partner was the best. And you two deserve to be together, but won’t it be nice for him to see a better you when he returns?
Now is the time for you to start looking within, healing your pain, loving and being okay single for a while and all of that. Why would you give it all up just to have your ex text you “hmm”, “ok” and “hi”Women who are always giving and don't know how to care for they go on and become stressed and burnt out mothers. Learn to love and accept yourself early on and a breakup truly lays the foundation to do that. Click To Tweet
You’re catching that, sis?
It’s time to design your life without your ex in it.It's time to design your life without your ex in it. Click To Tweet
Instead of waking up and texting him good morning, go to the mirror and smile at yourself.
Stop thinking about breakfast dates with him. Instead, spend some time talking to yourself and see what’s happening in your heart.
Rather than hoping he’ll come back someday, work on yourself everyday
Stop looking at his pictures and reminiscing old times and instead, make new memories where you are loved and cherished.
Instead of tracking his daily activities, plan your future moves.
Stop looking at his Instagram account. Start looking at your bank account.
Instead of wanting his love, start giving yourself love.
You see, it’s time you heal. Because you deserve it. Don’t let a few text messages get in the way of your happiness!Don't let a few text messages get in the way of your happiness! Click To Tweet
Also read: 10 Reasons I don’t have a boyfriend
Now I’ll get back to eating my Palak paneer. You go work on yourself, little masterpiece! Xo, Judith.
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