March 15, 2019.
I had just finished writing when the bell rang. I was wearing a white floral top and blue jeans. I stepped out of the classroom and towards the outer gate with my bag held tightly in my arms. With clumsy steps, I slowly took in the 6 p.m. evening breeze, and the half vivid sounds of other classmates talking loudly about what had been happening in the past month.
“How delightfully wonderful this journey has been”, I thought to myself, smiling partially. Two whole years had passed by like a minute and now, suddenly, everything was almost over. I recalled the first days of senior high school as I waved goodbye to my friends. I drove home with dad that evening and I don’t know if I felt nostalgic or something, but there was this undeniable feeling that a major chunk of my life was being eliminated.
Those two years had been an adventure, really. I’d wear my light purple uniform and walk my way to school each day. In the first year, I’d pay all the attention in class, take notes, study every day, and eventually ace every test that came by. To be honest, standing first in class was pretty much what I always did ever since kindergarten school. It was kind of a given, but I still felt appreciated each time I smacked my competitors in the face with my hard earned first rank. I was a girl boss who aced what I loved doing. Success in academics was my lifestyle. Little did I know things would soon change.
When I got in the final year of senior high, something I cannot remember, or recall, or name, happened. Maybe it was a back slide in my elevating life. I don’t know when, where, and how this happened to me, but I do know why now. At that time, I completely lost interest in studies. I no more felt the motivation surging inside of me, nor did I feel any seriousness. Everything I memorized would frantically leave my head and I started to feel miserable about myself. I could no longer manage my time, study chapters according to my timetable, and I felt tied. I was mentally exhausted. Nevertheless, I spent more than one semester struggling in this manner, yielding absolutely unsatisfying fruits. I was not doing badly, but I wasn’t doing my best either.
There were just about four months for the examination to commence. I had been receiving warnings from my professors, parents, my friends, and even more so, from my competitors. Really, my competition, more than it was with others, was with myself. I only needed to do better than I had before. But it somehow seemed like an impossible task.
With just about three months to go, I quit.
I quit doing what was bringing no success and I went to the chapel in the church. I cried while I said, “God, don’t you want me to be successful? Do you not want me to glorify your name when I come up with flying colors? Why are you doing this to me? Are you not in control anymore?”
God answered my doubtful questions in that same hour. He showed me how I was trying to be in control more than he was. He showed me that His name couldn’t be glorified if I did not let him work a miracle at all. At once, I saw how I felt independent and proud and how I thought I could do it all by myself. I lacked trusting in the Lord and staying dependent on His miracles.
Everything was different after that day. I returned home, still afraid of all the work to be done. I still knew I already had God’s back. Nothing got easy as butter. But this time, God fought on my behalf. His body gave me strength and His spirit provided me with wisdom and knowledge.
Today, it’s been a month that I got my results. I obviously stood first in my school as always. (A very sarcastic ‘ha-ha’ to all my haters). But this time with a new lesson, a new perspective, and a newfound, renewed relationship with my God.
I gathered courage to give into God’s hands the little effort I made, just like that little boy in the Bible who mustered the generosity and courage to give Jesus his five loaves of bread and two fish. God always gives us the biggest and the best when we give everything in life to Him.
John 6:9 – “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish, but what are they for so many?” Jesus said, “Have the people sit down.” Now there was much grass in the place. So the men sat down, about five thousand in number. Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated. So also the fish, as much as they wanted.
God did not let me look low in shame. He knows how we feel and His grace is sufficient for wondrous works. Have faith!
Psalm 23:5 – You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Are you struggling with something? Give it to the God of abundant blessings and watch your cup overflow!