Anger is such a normal (and common) response for women after a breakup, especially if you were fully invested, got cheated or had to face a sense of injustice. I’ve heard this over and over from my clients- “I’m so angry at my ex. What do I do?” Well, sister. read on to find out why anger is common, acceptable, AND how you can deal with it wisely.
Now who doesn’t know that feeling, amiright? Days and months after my breakup, I experienced so much anger. There were days when I missed my ex and wanted him to come back. Other days, all I wanted was to scream violently for all the hurt he gave me. I was so angry.
Anger is very common.
Yes it is. You’re not a villain for wanting to slit your ex’s throat, or run him over with your car. (Momentary awkward hesitation)
But why anger? Have you asked that question before?
There’s a 97.3502% chance that during your relationship, you’ve compromised, tolerated hurt or insults, accepted your boyfriend stepping on your boundaries and the like. And you didn’t say anything-
Why? Because you wanted to sustain and nurture the relationship, not destroy it.
But after your breakup, all these things come up again. And you’re angry about it.
When you slowly realize the magnitude of your vulnerability and sacrifice in the relationship that was met with inconsistency, inconsideration and a lack of appreciation or gratitude that leads to anger. (Long sentence… read it again)
You also feel anger for all the times you look back on your relationship and realize something was:
⁃ Unjust and imbalanced
⁃ Your ex was not honest
⁃ Maybe didn’t meet your expectations or needs
⁃ He didn’t treat you right
You might also be angry if you were over giving and you didn’t receive back in the measure you thought you would.
So, what now?
Here are 5 mindset shifts you must make to see your situation in a better light.
Realize: it’s not REALLY anger
The anger that you’re feeling is actually coming from a place of deep hurt, disappointment and sadness.
Your anger is grief with an overcoat. You’re angry because you’re hurt- and you know that you don’t deserve to be hurt.
Be okay with all these feelings.
When I was angry, thoughts in my head went like:
“He did me dirty. But I’m a good girl. I’m going to be gracious and pretty. I’m not one of those girls who ugly cry and scream and be all mad, no. I will be loving and cute (even if I’m dying on the inside)”
Please don’t be like me.
Don’t press your feelings down. It is OK to feel angry, or scream, or cry. Don’t suppress your feelings. Your emotions have energy and it needs to be let out.
Take the break-up bible study quiz here
Know that you are allowed to scream into pillows, break a fancy vase or two (if you can afford it), and furiously write pages and pages to your ex (as long as you don’t send them out)
Importantly, know that prayer is the ultimate place for you to pour your heart out.
Because only God can understand fully and completely what you mean. He understands every little thing you say and what you mean. He knows the depths of your emotions totally.
And the Lord comforts us, in our anger and in our sorrow.
Don’t make the mistake of reaching out
Important truth you should know: You don’t have to take action from your feelings just because you have them. Sending a long hateful message, for example, might seem very lucrative- but it will not do much good.
I mean, think about it- your ex didn’t care about making all those mistakes. Why would he feel sorry or moved about it now? Even if he was, that changes nothing.
Let your validation and consolation be in the Lord, now. It’s time to slowly deprive the part of you that still craves your ex’s attention (even if that really sucks)
Realize that God will use all of… THIS (yes He will)
Here’s another hard truth to digest.
The breakup was not entirely your ex’s fault, or your fault.
Furthermore, what if this is God redirecting your life? Telling you that He has better in store? Saving you from a lifetime of suffering?
Even in your anger, know that God will use you. You’re meant to be in this season. He is using your anger and your broken heart for what’s coming. You’re being prepared and equipped. God writes straight on a crooked line. He makes ALL things beautiful (little miss angry included)
Use your anger for something beautiful.
Undoubtedly, anger is powerful, fiery and energetic- I’m sure you’ll agree. This is your permission slip. Go use it to your advantage. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. Become who you’ve wanted to be. Seek a relationship with God. Channel this into something that will build your life.
as an example- after my breakup, I was so angry. I had gotten low grades, thanks to my ex. And that summer, I was determined to work hard the next academic year. And guess what? I ended up in the top 5 valedictorian list that next year.
And that was just the beginning of many good things that came after my season of pain.
Darling, Your anger is beautiful, if you use it that way. Don’t let it get in the middle of your healing by making unwise decisions and seeking validation in the wrong things.
Because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:20