Wondering how to get over your ex? Work on these 9 things

Wondering how to get over your ex? I can’t stop telling my clients, my online community and everyone I speak to about the one true truth. And the truth is- Your breakup is not a guy problem. “Getting over” a man is not the solution to healing your pain. Pain always comes into our life with a set of possible lessons you can learn. Pain from a breakup can also teach you many things.

So instead of obtaining closure or “moving on” and trying to forget some guy, what if we focused on more important goals that are centered around YOU? Moving on or getting over a guy will leave you in the same exact spot as you were before you met him. There is no new transformation.

But you are not who you were. You have gained new experiences. You have been in another relationship. Growth and evolving will now happen naturally, unless you press it down and cap yourself to just “forgetting about him”. Let your pain be used to propel you into what God has planned. Allow your pain to mold you into the woman you can become. Do more than just ‘getting over an ex’. Read on to see how you can work towards real healing that revolves around YOU and your holistic well-being.

Here are 9 things you can aim on working towards in your journey of healing.

These are milestones that take time to conquer. But they are signs of true healing.

9 Things you should focus on after your break-up

Let’s get started with our list!

Things that triggered me before, won’t trigger me anymore. 

Triggers can be anything that instantly reminds you of something from the past. It’s messy- and more often than not, what triggers you points directly at what needs to be healed. It reveals the ugly stuff that is still taking space inside. It means that there is some chaos within that you’ve probably still not dealt with, something that is still not healed.

Sometimes, you may feel attacked or hurt by something very random. If this is not cleared, they will stand as problems in your future relationships.

After my breakup, every time I received criticism on my work- I felt unworthy. I couldn’t find out why. But it brought up the most shameful and gloomy emotions. I hated that person and vowed never to show them my work or even express my raw ideas ever again.

When I realized the underlying reason, I cried for hours.

My ex would call me ‘not as creative’ often when he saw my art or poetry, and that deeply hurt me. Now that he was gone, other people acting similarly were bringing up my own junk- even when they had no bad intentions at all. I had to work towards unpacking that, reestablishing my belief in myself and being my own supporter. 

Questions to ask:

  • What triggers me? 
  • What behaviors from people (words, comments, and actions) cause sudden anger, hurt, tension or anxiety in me?
  • Where are these emotions coming from? 
  • Is there a pattern I follow when I REACT to triggers? 
  • Do these patterns have anything to do with other coping behavior in general?
  • Am I still carrying my ex’s version of ‘who I am’? 

I will be joyful, even if I don’t always feel happy.

Feeling happy is like a summer evening at the beach with pizza and wine- it doesn’t last forever. And it’s fleeting. Life will present its happy moments to you along with its gloomy moments. Relying on feeling happy to give you your purpose, hope and meaning is… well, hopeless and meaningless. 

The bible talks about joy a lot. 

Joy comes from knowing your identity and purpose (who you are) in Jesus. Lasting joy, certainty and assurance comes from knowing his love and trusting in His promises. Click To Tweet

Joy, for a Christian woman, far exceeds the occasional lining up of events that make you feel happy. Joy comes from knowing your identity and purpose (who you are) in Jesus. Lasting joy, certainty and assurance comes from knowing his love and trusting in His promises.

Joy in the Lord has no conditions. It never fluctuates or decreases. It is consistent and unchanging. Because Jesus is the same, always. 

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Hebrews 13:8

So you could be going through a terribly painful breakup, not feeling happy. But never lose hope and faith in God. At the end of the day, Jesus being present in your life will stand true despite your pain. The peace that comes from God will override all the turbulence you face. 

I will start looking within.

The #1 mistake I see women make after their breakup: distracting themselves.

Why do we do this?

Because you’re afraid to look within. The pain is too much to feel- it’s scary as heck. Nobody wants it. So, you look at Instagram some more, go out with the girls, try feeling happy, maybe numb yourself and “try not to think”.  You go on autopilot mode.

That’s not where the healing is.

Sister, don’t try to drink or smoke or blind-date or work-extra-hours your pain away. It doesn’t happen. Breakups bring out all the mess we may have inside our hearts because it dismantles a very delicate area of you… But, nevertheless, don’t shy away from difficult emotions.

Feel your feelings and then let them go. You are stronger than you think. Face it, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. You are not alone- God is with you in your pain.

Trust that He will write your pain into your purpose.

He will turn your mess into his message.

Trust that He will write your pain into your purpose. He will turn your mess into his message. Click To Tweet

Hey sister! Have you taken the Break-up Bible Study Quiz yet? Its free! Answer a few questions and get a Bible study passage sure to give you just what you need in your season! (comes with a FREE printable Bible Study guide)

I will start feeling confident and beautiful again. 

I don’t know about you- but my breakup left me with a lot of scars. A lot of them had to do with insecurities about how I was not good-looking, funny, cool, fashionable or tall enough. 

It’s so easy to think ‘he dumped me because I’m not beautiful enough’ or *insert your own dream adjective* enough…  This warped perception easily cripples your identity. It then carries your self-image in everything you do. You show up in your life exactly the way you see yourself.

You carry self-doubt, feeling low and apologetic, pathetic and overly critical about yourself everywhere you go. Permanent damage right there. And all because of a man who dated you temporarily and is never coming back. Doesn’t make much sense, does it?

I began the uphill journey to being enough, just as I was. And it was not easy. But let me tell you this: you have the permission to change up your narratives. You have the absolute capability to become who you’ve wanted to become. You are enough to pursue your interests, fail at things and slowly get better at them, show up for yourself.

All because God is with you. Stand on His shoulders. Go around with Him as your Father and see how the magic happens.

Look at yourself the way God does. Work on yourself. Rebuild your confidence.

Look at yourself the way God does. Click To Tweet

I will focus on my existing relationships 

The best way to love God is to love the people he put you around. Do you think this breakup and the whole relationship has turned you into a recluse, tucked away in your room? When was the last board game you played with your family?

Get back at it. Go to the playground with your nieces. Help your mom make her, I don’t know, Facebook or something. Have a heart to heart conversation with your sisters. 

Related: What happens when you stay in touch with your ex

I don’t feel lonely when I’m by myself: 

If you’re always looking for a boyfriend to fill your loneliness, you will never know if you’re choosing a man as your partner or just because you need someone to fill your void. I’m not saying that your desire for a relationship and marriage is bad. It is God-given and thus, a beautiful thing.

But some of us fear being alone. What if God wants to lead you through a period of singleness and work on your heart?

Learning to be by yourself is one of the most powerful things you can do. Be alone with your thoughts for at least a few minutes each day. Start enjoying your own company.

How much do you know about yourself? Maybe this is the time you find out more about yourself- your favorite ice-cream flavor, the best birthday celebration you’ve ever had, and 1 thing you can talk about for hours…

You are such an awesome woman, sister. You have been made uniquely in the image and likeness of God. You share God’s DNA! How cool is that? You have a beautiful story to tell. You are interesting, funny, and beloved. Why wouldn’t you love what God cherishes so tenderly? Please don’t think you’re inadequate and that someone else will ‘complete you’. 

I am focused on my relationship with my God. 

The very core of your healing, strength and endurance, hope, faith and joy will come from your relationship with God. Period.

If you are not already, start incorporating prayer, Bible study time and a faithful community into your life. Get involved in church, start reading your favorite stories in the Bible again, and immerse yourself in different forms of prayer. Go to Mass more often. Pray the rosary. Get some gospel music rolling!

Don’t let yourself pass through the anguish of not being close to God, ever. His presence is therapeutic, joyous, healing, non-judgmental and unconditionally loving. The Lord’s presence is food for your soul and spirit. Why would you detach yourself from a God who waits to meet, talk and embrace you every day?

Not to go to Communion is like someone dying of thirst beside a spring.

St. John Vianney.

I can open my heart to dating again

Other than my likeminded girlfriends who go, “OMG YES GURRLLL”, people cringe a little bit when I tell them I can’t wait to have a husband and family. 

SO, Let’s get this straight, ok?

You dated a guy because you were attracted to him (and maybe he was, to you) and you thought- ‘well, maybe I can spend my days with this person, let’s see how that goes.’ Aaaand it didn’t work out. So what? It’s completely fine. We don’t live in a world where everyone is married to the first person they date. And that is OKAY.

Don’t let that become a hindrance to your future. If it does, we have a problem. 

If your goal is to find a Godly man and enter the vocation of marriage, do not close your heart with walls of bitterness and anger. Allow yourself to be pursued and loved. Don’t shut your heart out of fear or being hurt again.

Here’s a very beneficial, interesting session by Jackie Angel on Dating.

Know that your desire for marriage is God-given. Love means vulnerability, faithfulness, and suffering and more… it will never be comfortable and perfect ALL THE TIME. Don’t let that, and fear stop you from going after what God has placed on your heart. Don’t build walls around your heart because of a temporary guy who wounded you.

Sister, God’s got this!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:38

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