Wanting to get over your ex and move on after a breakup is great, but easier said than done. “What do I do when I want to text him?”, “I can’t stop thinking about him at all!!”, “I want to get over my ex, but I don’t know how”. Today, we are talking about 4 seemingly small, but important things that might be stopping you from moving on and getting over your ex.
It’s a typical thing for us girls, I get it 👇
You think about the time he took you to his favorite café and how you two talked about the important stuff. It was so cute… you keep playing these images in your head until you cry yourself to sleep. You want to move on, but that’s just too hard.
Truth is, no matter how pathetic we think it is, we can’t stop doing it. Moving on seems like this huge, ugly, undoable deed. Am I right or am I right?
But not anymore, girls. Your Breakup fairy is here to save the day.
Here are 4 very things that stop us from moving on after a breakup & getting over him.
1. Old text messages:
Are you re-reading his text messages over and over again? It can stop you from moving on after your breakup.
Yes, of course- All those sweet long paragraphs.
I know I used to screenshot and reread them every day. It made me feel so special. It felt like somebody finally saw the good in me and, that feeling- was precious.
But this somehow works against us when we’re actually trying to move on after a breakup.
Reading his old messages does only three things:
1. It will make you feel like the time with him was sooo good.
(Even though you broke up for a reason and it was horrible with him at times). Also implying that you’re somehow incomplete or not “happy” by yourself.
2. It will make you feel like contacting him again.
No-contact is one of the most recommended ways to move on after a breakup. It’s painful, but that’s because it’s equally effective. Breaking no contact is a huge mistake, especially when you need to really be by yourself. Or when he’s straight up toxic for you.
Texting or reaching out to your boyfriend after a bad breakup can bring to surface many ill feelings. It’s really not as rewarding as it seems, especially after you’ve sent that text. Trust me on this sis. Your self-esteem is at stake.
Moreover, it will leave you upset if he doesn’t reply the way you wanted him to, or worse: leaves your message on read.
Horrible mistake. Don’t do it.
3. When you’re reading the good old crap he wrote for you, you’re training your mind to look out for anything that reminds you of him and then react negatively to it.
Just not worth it at all.
So Judith, what do I do with all his messages?
Answer: Delete them. Or, archive them.
The purpose of this is surely not to shame your ex and show him how stupid he was.
On the contrary, this is about you.
If constantly looking at his stuff brings tears to your ex or a weird stomach churning happens, you know he’s not the best trigger. Let him go. Delete all those messages and vow not to dig them up again in your next moment of weakness. It’s for your own good, sis.
In my private coaching program, I not only teach you exactly how to get over your ex and *SUCCESSFULLY* move on after your breakup, I walk with you throughout the whole process, so that YOU can find happiness again. Feel free to check it out.
2. His Letters and gifts
Well, I can delete the messages, but what about all the gifts, the letters, and his stuff?
It’s very simple, sis.
So, here’s the plan if you truly want to move on after your breakup: you need to desensitize your space.
If you constantly find his things around you, it’s going to perpetually remind you of him, the good and the bad. And that’s not very nice. So, put all those things away, someplace you can’t easily find it.
You don’t need a reminder that you broke up with him each time you look in your “precious memories” box.
Putting his stuff away is more significant than you might think. It’s not about that angered behavior when you hate your ex like no other or when you want to burn all his stuff.You don't need a reminder that you broke up with him each time you look in your "precious memories" box. Click To Tweet
You are emotionally weak and still recovering from a negative experience. As a human, you deserve to feel better and have a space where you feel safe and sound. At that moment, you need to know that it will be okay. You have to approach yourself with compassion and gentleness.
Besides, putting your ex in the only space that makes you feel calm and secure is just bad for you. You see?
If you do it, you do it for you. Not because you want to show your ex how you don’t need his stuff anymore.If you do it, you do it for you. Not because you want to show your ex how you don't need his stuff anymore.4 simple things that are stopping you from moving on (and what to do with them) Click To Tweet
3. His social media
Of course! This is a big one.
I used to stalk my ex on Instagram, specifically to see who he was following, what pictures he was looking at and commenting on, and the usual blah blah blah. Let’s just say, it was bad for my mental health.
First, I would have mini heart attacks when I’d see him partying, going out with his friends (guy friends and “girl friends”) and I thought to myself,
“I’m out here suffering each day, and he’s out there acting nonchalant and “happy” ?!?
It made me feel like it was a one-sided thing.
Made me feel like an idiot for all the times I was vulnerable to him.
I stopped being vulnerable to anybody after that. Moreover, I paid the price for that too.
I felt so ugly the day he liked pictures of girls who I thought were cuter and thinner and lighter than me. It hurt deep within. It cast wounds that took years to heal. I wasn’t even close to moving on after my breakup
Catch this: No matter how your ex is processing his feelings, you going after him with a magnifying glass isn’t going to help.
Sis, it’s simply not a good idea.
The best thing you can do to save your sanity is to block him out completely.
When your ex can still see your activity on social media, there is a chance you might start to put up a puppet show for him.
And that does more harm than good, if you genuinely want to move on after your breakup.
What is a puppet show for my ex?
The term seems new, I know. I invented it.
It can look like:
• Sharing quotes that indirectly point at him
• Posting stories of how you’re partying and having fun (to show him you can enjoy without him too)
• #datenight pictures with other men on social media. Except that you’re not interested in dating one bit.
In other words, you just want to be ahead in your game of showing him that your happiness doesn’t depend on his presence. Even if you had a crying session right after posting that #lifeisgoodatthebar story.
Don’t put up a show. Face what you’re feeling. It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Your healing is more important. Don’t waste time trying to prove your happiness to others. Build a life that feels good on the inside.
Take the advice of the breakup fairy- don’t do it.No matter how your ex is processing his feelings, you going after him with a magnifying glass isn't going to help. Click To Tweet
4. His “good” memories
For us girls, we like to play everything twice in our mental record player and scrutinize almost EVERYTHING to fill in the gaps.
We do this on good days, we do this on bad days…
So If you low-key enjoy being the sad character in your movie, you’re very likely to play his good memories in your head over and over, and cry some more.
Now, crying is great. I love crying- it keeps you from drowning.
Also read: 6 Surprisingly Practical Reasons why We Cry
But constantly making yourself feel better by fantasizing about your ex can be pretty defeating. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to move on after your breakup and be happy again.
The plain truth is that you are romanticizing your ex.
He wasn’t as good as the ‘good memories’ about him are telling you he is.
Our brain is very tricky. It can push us into the rabbit hole of seeing how perfect he was and how foolish of a decision it was to break up with him.
So, how to stop romanticizing my ex?
1. Stand up from wherever you are.
2. Reach out and find something to write (a physical notepad works better)
3. Make this list 👇
• A time when he insulted you
• Some incident when he didn’t treat you with respect
• One thing you didn’t like about him x 10
• The time you went out and you didn’t feel safe
• All the red flags you were ignoring
• The time he didn’t understand what you said
• Instances where you felt hurt and he was insensitive, apathetic and careless
• The way your goals differed from his.
The list is endless, sis. After writing this down, you’ll see that it wasn’t such an attractive deal after all.
As a breakup coach, let me give you my finest advice:
You’re not going to move on as long as you still want to get together with him. The slightest, most secret desire of him coming back will stop you from doing anything to move on. Moving on after your breakup starts with the decision.
Believe that you deserve to be loved, in the most beautiful manner. You don’t have to play games to find somebody who can love you. Believe that there are people who know how to love you. And they will come along at the right time.
And until that person comes along, build your relationship with yourself. Love and care for yourself like no other. So that whenever you meet someone who’s not treating you right, you immediately know the difference. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it all.